Delivery Services

Right, let’s get one thing straight first, we offer a VERY simple choice between FREE “standard delivery” (the same as sending a letter in the post) and “recorded delivery”, not special (like ya mum) delivery.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject, just because it says “recorded” doesn’t mean next-day delivery.

Also, please don’t be a total twat and think that “recorded delivery” means someone will film your package being delivered. We shit you not, we get people asking where they can view/download the video of their victim receiving the package.

What on earth are these people thinking? Do they assume we have someone drive hundreds, possibly thousands of miles with a film crew and deliver the package ourselves? Or we give Tom Cruise a tinkle and ask him nicely to do us a solid one and dress up as a postman?

Maybe they think we have a clandestine network of sleeper agents/amateur filming fanatics located across the globe who we activate via a text to a phone from 1998, ready to follow the postman and film the event? Honestly, what drugs are these people taking?!

As mentioned, don’t be a twat! Recorded delivery simply means your victim or someone at the property will have to sign for the package or the postie will make sure there is a record of the delivery which we can track.

If you opted for recorded delivery, we will be able to send you a tracking number, simply get in touch with our really nice customer services team via Facebook messenger and type…

Hello, really nice customer services team with whom I have contacted via Facebook messenger, if I give you my  order reference number which is on the email confirmation I received when I placed the order, would you be so kind to reply with a tracking number for my order? Thank you in advance and I hope you have the most wonderful of days, your prank is the best I have ever seen, and I love you”.

SIDE NOTE: If you actually send those exact words, we’ll send another FREE prank for you to someone else.

If you were tight and picked FREE delivery, there will no tracking number and no way to find out where your package is, and no amount of abuse towards our staff will change that!!!

If you choose to be a nob, swear, threaten or be abusive in any manner, we’ll simply cancel your order, delete your conversation, and have SO19 bust in your door, stomp your dog and drag you off to your local police station for a fucking good kick-in.

All these details are in our terms and conditions which you must agree to and it’s not our fault if you were lazy and didn’t read them.

If, and it’s a bloody BIG IF, like massive IF, something the size of Jupiter IF, your package does go AWOL, be nice to our team and we’ll do the best we can to sort things out.

Please note, that if you chose free delivery, we have to wait up to 30 working days for Royal Mail to declare a package missing. If you were smart and picked recorded delivery, we can try and track the package and if after 10 working days Royal mail cannot find it, we will resend another for you FOC.

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