How long will delivery take?

Let us explorer all the variables that make up the “delivery time”. First of all, we’ve got to pack your filthy panties and get them ready for postie Pat. Actually, our postie is called “Paul”, he’s a top geezer, loves cycling and often chats about the size of his T.V, which is a Samsung and is wall mounted. Paul doesn’t drink booze (don’t judge the man) so offsets the money he would have blown down the boozer in favour of a better visual entertainment experience at home, each to their own. #Gay!

Preparing and packing your panties in their pretty pink envelope can take 2-4 working days depending on the time of year. Don’t get upset, we know that sounds like forever when you’re all excited, but don’t worry, the wait is well worth it, unless of course, you’ve sent it to a friend’s place of work and they get fired! Then you’ll be upset!

Is it worth the risk? Of course, it’ll be hilarious, your unsuspecting friend will disown you, and you’ll both rant on social media and end up on some daytime television show donned in a greasy, hole-riddled grey tracksuit from sports direct that stinks of fags and piss.

If the producer has their way, they’ll insist on a little tear up on live telly to help boost the ratings, you and your ex-pal will be marched backstage where two enormous security persons taser you in the chest, cover your heads with what you suspect are black hoods, that bizarrely also smell of fags and piss, but who knows, they could be Yvonne’s, the producer’s assistants USED knickers (not too sure why some old girls undies would reek of fags though?), then bundled into a van. You feel a little prick and blackout from the drugs that will be pumped into your neck.

You’ll awake in a field, cold, confused, and unsure why your asshole is killing you. After removing the subway wrapper from your tea towel holder, you’ll spot your ex-pal regaining consciousness, you also see a large cache of what look like used beer bottles, bar stools and a baseball bat. All of sudden your ex-mate will begin belting across the field towards the pub thug’s weapons stack. You’ll need to be quick to survive this one, you don’t want to end up with a becks bottle sticking out your chest or the leg of bar stool wrapped round your noodle.

Your survival will depend on being quick thinking and swift to end the coming battle.

It’ll be like when Kirk had to fight Spock in Star Trek…….

Also, its worth checking out the Jim Carry version from Cable Guy –

Anyway, by the time our local sorting office has processed your package, loaded it onto a van/lorry, possible train, even an aeroplane or boat, been processed at your victims local sorting office, stuffed in a sack, allocated to your Paul counterpart, marched up the road and handed to your poor, possible now enemies’ hand, you’re talking about 1-3 days.

During busy times of the year such as Christmas and Easter, processing and delivery can take a few extra days but trust us, it’s well worth the wait!

Last of all, don’t be a nob towards out customer services team, once the package is in the hands of Royal mail, there’s not much we can do about it.